my-epilepsy

staying sane with day to day life…having epilepsy

Donna’s Darko (??)

Refer back to part of the end of yesterday’s post …”because being alone and having a seizure,  there is never a 100% guarantee that I have actually had one…”

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Well this happened today. I had a pretty lazy day, most of it housework and watching a movie on DVD. Who has seen Donnie Darko? Well it’s an awesome film that I haven’t seen in quite a while so decided to watch that. Here’s what happened (to me, no film spoilers included here).

The first clear memory was of the scene with the three kids in the hotel room, arguing. Oh and before that I am about 85% sure I pressed that button ‘Play Feature’ that you have to before you start the movie. Those of you who don’t know the film, this scene is about 20 minutes into the film. So what happened to the first 20 minutes? Several things have been going round in my head…

I could have fallen asleep – but really who puts a film on and immediately falls asleep? I could have started watching it a while ago and the movie when I put it on again had remained at the scene I left it in. But in both these situations, why on earth would I not rewind? As those of you who know the film, there includes a pretty strong dramatic opening scene in the first 15 or so minutes. Today all I remember thinking was “well maybe in the Directors Cut this is where it starts”. That’s pretty stupid right (heads nod if you remember the movie, if you haven’t seen the movie, then see the movie). So the third and most likely scenario is- I had a seizure.

The thing is though, I completely enjoyed the movie, I felt 100% healthy, I then walked to Camperdown to pick up Lilly feeling absolutely fine. This makes me really happy. As well as the fact that it was two weeks today since my last seizure rather than one week. Even though I can’t 100% guarantee it was a seizure, I’m pretty sure it was. And because I was on my own, I could sing, dance, dribble, do a striptease, do anything because there was no-one here! So maybe it’s not such a bad thing, on my own, at least, at home. Having it outside would be another story. But it didn’t happen, one day it might but no sense worrying about things that haven’t happened yet 🙂

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First day of my new life

Well everything started as per usual – I lie in bed listening to Stephen get Lilly up, this is usually around 6:15am.

Lilly: “I want to get uppppppppp!!!!!!!” (doesn’t quite yet understand that she can get out of her bed and leave the room herself)

Stephen: “Good morning Miss Lilly!”

Lilly: “I’ve done a poo”

Stephen: “Yes I can smell”

etc etc etc, until she is dressed for the day and then I get my lazy butt out of bed. Then I generally make her a babycino while I make a coffee for me and a tea for Stephen. Then daddy is gone and we wait for either a taxi or our friend who borrows our car and drops us off at child care on the way to his work. Our friend came this morning and we got to child care as per usual, had a quick chat to staff, left and then………..what? Now what? It was weird!!! But kinda cool. I decided to go and do something I hadn’t done alone in ages – went and had breakfast and read the paper in a local cafe. Aaaahhhh now this is the life 🙂

Then I went home via the local chemist to pick up a few supplies, then came across a place that did massage. Thought I’d just inquire, but five minutes later I found myself having a 60 minute hot stone essential oil massage! Woohoo! Of course, I had to have “the talk” – I think I made the masseuse (or is it masseur, it was a female) a bit uncomfortable, but I thought it was important as it will be two weeks tomorrow since my last seizure so I’m just waiting for one to happen any minute. But nothing still! (touch wood touch wood!!).

So after the massage that was great but too short, I wandered home via a few places that Lilly and I used to visit when we walked to child care, then got home and did a bit of exciting housework. Then eventually back to pick her up- another lovely walk through the park.

Then life back to normal. A pretty good first day as a non-worker I think. I am going to try and keep busy because being alone and having a seizure, there is never a 100% guarantee that I have actually had one. I don’t like doing it to people, but they are handy in that they can tell me if I’ve had one or not!

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Drugs drugs drugs

Awesome title right? Unfortunately not so much in regards to epilepsy control. I’ve tried so many I’ve forgotten a lot of them now. And anyway I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention the actual names so I’ll just refer to them as “these ones I was on once”.

So right now I think I’m on a record number of tablets a day. A total of 12 – five in the morning, seven at night. Three different drugs. With my newest addition I’m actually doing well in regards to lack of side effects. All I have is tiredness – but not much more than I do normally, and my appetite is a bit odd. My neurologist said they had similar side effects to some I have been on before which caused some awesome weight loss, but I don’t think these are going to do the same (dang). Some days I have absolutely no appetite (woohoo!), but other times I have a completely normal appetite (which is rather large – bum!) so I can’t see any weight loss happening (sigh, I’m so female).

Some other drugs I have been on before have totally emptied my head, so badly that I had to call my neurologist and request to stop taking them. I just felt completely brainless (yes even more so than normal, can you believe it!!!!) and could hardly stay awake. Also I couldn’t walk straight – looked drunk most of the time. BAD.

Several other drugs I’ve taken have played badly with my eyesight. I’ve had diplopia (double vision) very severely. A suggestion of getting by in the outdoors by a good friend was to colour in the inside of one lense of my sunglasses and that worked really well. For some reason if I shut one eye I was ok, but when both eyes were open I saw two of everything. I had a very kind colleague actully help me up and down the stairs at work, something I could not do myself. And to mix these drugs with alcohol, even small amounts, was a big no no! I’ve had two embarrassing public events…

The first one was years ago, before Lilly was on the scene. I was with some friends after work at a pub and I made the mistake of having ONE drink, and taking my tablets. And I fell asleep on a colleague’s shoulder. I was shrugged awake, then walked zig zag across to the bathroom. A pub employee came over and kicked me out with the assumption I was totally pissed.

Second time was only a couple of years ago, and again, one drink and tablets together. I felt so incredibly unsteady and when I got up I nearly fell over. My poor friend I was with, totally sober, helped me out. This time the restaurant’s employee was very kind, and she raced out afterwards to see if we needed her to help get me a taxi. Embarrassing or what!!!!

So that’s my drugs. Oh and of course, being female again, the worst ones were my first ones which added almost 10 kilos to my weight. But luckily they didn’t even control my major seizures so they didn’t last too long.

I just cross my fingers that one day, I’ll find a combination of drugs that will completely control my seizures and I’ll get to do stuff like drive again. One can always dream!!!!

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How do I look?

Spent quite a while today trying out different themes for this blog, until I found this one. I think it works because it’s cheerful yet not cheesy. I tried a couple of others but they just looked dark and mysterious, which is certainly what I personally would never be described as and also what I would never want to describe us people suffering from epilepsy as. So bright and cheery  – which is more like me, and well no I wouldn’t say epilepsy was particularly that way, but I am trying to ensure it is not depressing. So there.

Speaking of the term ‘epilepsy’ and describing myself as someone who suffers from, or has the condition ‘epilepsy’, I feel this is the way it should be described. I get goosebumps of anger when I hear term “epileptic” as descriptive. I am NOT epileptic! It just sounds so horrible and it kind of labels me as someone of that nature full stop. “Oh, epileptics are… blah blah blah”.

NO NO NO! Do people with depression get labelled as “depressed people”? No, well, not that I’ve heard of. Epilepsy is just one part of me. I’m lots of other things, and no of course they’re not all wonderful things, in fact I’m sure I’ve been called all sorts of things, but just please please don’t ever call me an epileptic. GGGRRRRRR!!!!!

Thanks 🙂 Now that that’s out of the way, lett’s move on to happier things. I’ve passed the “one week” without a seizure! Yay! But to be realistic, just means I’ll probably have one in the next day or two, but still, it was less than a week the past couple of weeks. On that note, I’m going to go to bed because it’s 10pm (OMG!) and I’m tired. Goodnight!

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Monday…no-one’s favourite day

I haven’t got a whole lot to say today – I haven’t had a seizure even though I am due (6 days – touch wood). My mum has moved on to stay on at Ali’s house for a couple of nights but she might come back and hang out with me for a while in a few weeks. So that’s cool.

Anyway, so as I don’t have much to say about myself and epilepsy today (yet) thought I’d give you some facts. Here is a list of famous peeps with the condition:

Actors:

  • Danny Glover
  • Hugo Weaving
  • Rik Mayall
  • Bud Abbott
Religion/Royalty:
  • Caligula
  • Joan of Arc
  • Muhammad

Music

  • Jimmy Reed
  • Neil Young
  • Prince
  • Ian Curtis (Joy Division)
  • Adam Horovitz (Beastie Boys) – recently died of cancer

Sports

  • Tony Greig
  • Wally Lewis
  • Paul Wade

For a fuller list check out Wikipedia – this is just a small sample.

OK nearly time to go home. Bye for now!

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Happy Mother’s Day

Greetings, did I mention that I’m a mother as well?

People often ask if it’s hard being a mum with epilepsy and to be honest, the answer is no not really. I mean, I am very limited in some ways – can’t jump in the car and take my Lilly somewhere. And until about a year ago I would walk her around in the pram instead. But then I had a very dangerous seizure and have realised that it’s too risky to walk her alone. So that’s the end of that.

However otherwise I don’t feel nervous with her on a day-to-day basis. I think stress plays a role in the number of seizures I have, so if I spend my time worried about things like “oh no what if I drop her down the stairs / down the toilet”, I reckon I may be more likely to have a seizure. So our life is pretty normal together, just not much time is spent alone out of the house. But that’s OK, we just have more family and friend time outside together!

It can worry my other family members though. A seizure example I was reminded of today by my sister Ali was one not too long ago (and Ali if I get this slightly wrong you know it’s only because I have no memory whatsoever except you telling me). Anyway, apparently I called her at about 8:45am and said where are you? And she said um I’m at work where are you? And I said I am at work getting my hair done (no I am not a hairdresser). And she said where’s Lilly? And I didn’t know. So I can understand the concern on her side! But on my side, I had dropped Lilly at child care, I was at a local shop buying something or other and it just happened. As usual. She called me back a few minutes later and I went and double checked that Lilly was a child care, and she was. So I went to work and that was that.

So no pain, just a small amount of confusion and vagueness on my side. I really don’t think my seizures cause me much problem in my life. I often compare myself to someone who suffers from migraines. What’s worse? OK, there are large-scale problems that epilepsy causes in my life (not being able to drive etc) but I don’t experience any immediate  intense agony the way migraine sufferers do. I think I would rather have the condition epilepsy than migraines. I can’t deal with any sort of pain. Ask my husband. Right now I feel like I am coming down with a cold and I am curled up in a ball and I hate it! A sore throat and chills! Big deal! Weird huh?

All that I can say that the only short-term thing epilepsy does is embarrass me at times. But we’ll get to that…karate chops and shower curtains and Dan Murphy’s (not combined)…

Anyway happy mother’s day to all my mummy friends and family!

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At the airport…

This afternoon I went to the airport to pick up my dear mummy for a mother’s day weekend with the Sydney family members, and I saw the gigantic queue of people at security with their trays of laptops, bags and grumpy impatient faces. This is when I can use my epilepsy to my advantage.

I have a device implanted into my upper left chest called a vagus nerve simulator. This is designed to prevent seizures by sending regular, mild pulses of electrical energy to the brain via the vagus nerve. These pulses are supplied by a device something like a pacemaker.

So at airport security I have to inform them I have one of these  – and the moment I do that I rarely get past pointing to my chest and saying “I have a….” and they assume I’m going to say pacemaker, so they take my bag and shoes, take me to the front of the queue, take me through a gate and pat me down rather than go through the security ‘archway’. And today, with so many people, it was hilarious, because so many of them were obviously pissed off when I marched right past them.

So if you ever think you’re going to miss your flight and there’s a huge queue, just put on an innocent face and pat your chest! 🙂

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The “talk”

Here I am, I have six days of work left. Or I should say, AT work, because there isn’t really much work itself to do. I’m actually quite excited. I just have to figure out what my next career is going to be.

There are lots of limitations with the good old epilepsy. Can’t be a pilot, probably couldn’t even be a flight attendant (or ‘air hostess’ as I really wanted to do when I was a little kid). Finish my psych, ie do post graduate and become a registered psychologist but I think that epilepsy would get in the way of that too. I’ve even thought about being a midwife, but nope, that would be dangerous. So it’s going to be a challenge! And I have to be positive about it 🙂

SO this week’s seizure wasn’t very exciting at all. I only know I had one because Stephen said he called me Tuesday afternoon and said he’d be home in time for me to leave (singing lesson and out for dinner with Sam) and I said “what? where?”. Boring! Not like last week, where I evidently sang (or let out some sort of attempt of a musical wail) whilst sitting at my desk at the office. Two colleagues kindly told me about it, one which then enquired whether another, newer employee actually knew that I had epilepsy. The answer to that was no. Which made sense, as she apparently turned around and gave me, how can I put it, an interested look. So up I got to give “the talk”. Which goes something like this:

Me: “Hi, have you got a few minutes? Just need to tell you something about myself. Nothing serious, just something you probably need to know. I’ve got epilepsy” (wait for response, which is usually calm and nodding – occasionally people will say yes I know/knew someone who had it; once someone actually said yes I once had it). Then I just explain in my professional tactful way “it’s not the falling down waving your arms about type of seizure so no need to worry about that. I usually just fade off, stare in to space for a while, might say or do something stupid, often dribble and then be rather confused about my whereabouts for about half an hour afterwards. I have no memory of any part of the seizure and no warning that it’s coming on either”.

Generally the poor person just says, “ok, is there anything I should do?”. To which I reply “well if I am standing up and look like I am about to fall, then sit me down. Otherwise just ignore me but please tell me both straight afterwards and then maybe an hour afterwards as well as I may well still be in the dazed and confused mode straight afterwards.” (I keep a diary for my neurologist)

And that’s “the talk”. I used to feel really uncomfortable with it but I’m not anymore. I just feel comfortable telling people so that if it does happen they don’t freak out, and they understand the reason behind my sometimes bizarre behaviours if they do see me have a seizure.

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Hello epiworld!

Welcome to My Epilepsy! I wanted to write about the everyday life of someone with epilepsy. I also wanted to add a little humour, which I don’t think happens much when it comes to discussion of epilepsy. I’m only going to joke about myself, not the condition itself.

So……first I should give some background on why I am what I am. 1996 – Amsterdam – too much consumption of…stuff. Fell down on to the concrete, banged my head hard, and to cut a long story short, fractured my skull and several years diagnosed with what I was warned about by my first neurologist – epilepsy.

I had my first seizure at my then boyfriend, James’s, flat in Balmain in 2000. He called an ambulance and we raced to the RPA where they agreed yes there was a chance it could be epilepsy, but evidently you are not officially diagnosed until you have two seizures.

I was placed on medication and told I was not able to drive for 6 weeks. If I went six weeks without a seizure I could drive again. Those six weeks passed by very slowly, but happily seizure – free. On the first night of week 7 I jumped in my boyfriend’s car (a brilliant Holden EH) and drove down Darling Street Balmain. Then it happened. My second seizure.

And what a seizure it was. Picture this – a big blue Holden driving off to the left into a parked car, then veering back to the opposite of the road slamming into a parked police car (I got quite a few handshakes for that) then straight through the red light across Montague Street (Town Hall pub) before someone jumped into the car, pushed me across the bench seat (good old 50’s cars) and pulled over outside the pub. Oh how exciting for the pub dwellers! A drink driver!!!! The police were called, and pushed through the crowd to check out this naughty driver. I awoke and the first thing I recall is hearing someone (who, I don’t know, some pub person probably) call out, “oh those are epilepsy tablets”. So I guess they were going through my bag for ID and found those. So I wasn’t arrested.

BUT I was diagnosed with epilepsy, and had my license taken away. And that was the beginning of life as I know it today.

Oh except a few changes like, new boyfriend who became a husband, several different houses, many different types of drugs, birth of a daughter, new job and starting next Friday – unemployment! And no, the unemployment is not related to epilepsy. Just time to move on.

So these days, as in the year 2012, I have at least one seizure a week, and these seizures are called complex partial seizures. They vary so much and can be, if you can believe me, very funny. I have to go, but will continue tomorrow, so stay tuned…

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