my-epilepsy

staying sane with day to day life…having epilepsy

Is this our cat?

So I had a chat with the other neurologist, but she knew nothing about me, just asked lots of questions then suggested I take the does up one level. I wasn’t very happy with that idea because the higher frequency started more than a week ago. But I thought hey I’ll just do as I’m told and if it remains the same, I’m going to take myself up another dose.

Well unfortunately I think that’s what I’ll have to do. Three days passed (Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and today what do you know!! Another seizure this morning. This time walking home from dropping Lilly off at child care. In fact once again I know what I was doing. Creepy! There is a shop called ‘Fiji Market’ on South King Street and it is well known for having a tabby cat hanging out in the front doorway. I always say hi and sometimes pat it because it reminds me of our old cat Charlie.

But today I obviously had a seizure and stood there at the front of the shop, grabbed one of Lilly’s snack bars and started feeding it to the cat. And then I tried to get him to come home with me. I then called Stephen and asked him if we still had a cat. He said no and then no doubt told me that I had a seizure. I couldn’t believe it at first. I remember being so sure it was Charlie (sniff, he was run over three years ago).

What an idiot! Again, I have no idea if there was any interaction with anybody else (who knows, the owners of the shop were probably telling me to bugger off and leave the poor cat alone). But it’s weird that I have again got such a clear idea of the thoughts in my head during or just post seizure. This time I went straight to my friend’s cafe and took a whole Frisium like I’m supposed to, and touch wood, no more seizures yet and I don’t feel as tired. Stephen has suggested I take a break from personal training also, because every day that I train I have a seizure. Also have had them on other days so hopefully it won’t be an end to training, I have been doing it for 6 or 7 years with the same trainer. But it’s just another experiment to see if that is playing a part.

*Sigh* Who knows if we will solve this one. Personally I’d just like to go back to the old dose of Frisium and have a seizure every week or two weeks. Much easier to handle…

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Had to happen

Twice this time. Last night I sat on the couch and apparently rubbed my chin like I was in deep thought. And then this morning I seizured mid-toothbrushing getting ready to leave to take Lilly to child care. Can’t remember anything else Stephen has said, except that they seem to be in two stages and longer these days. The normal “rigid” phase, where I grip things, then I think he said the second stage is I am quite floppy and need to be sat down. And am unaware of my surroundings (sounds better than unconscious) and confused for longer.

I’m going to see my neurologist on Tuesday so I’m quite pleased about that, I think I keep saying that but I am v curious as to what the next step is going to be. I know one option will be to turn my VNS up a notch; I’m quite happy with that.

Stay tuned, let’s see what happens…

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Almost a seizure diary really…

Yesterday was my “due date” for a seizure, as they seemed to be happening every Thursday. But yesterday passed and woohoo!!!! no seizure.

But early this morning – boooooooo – seizure. Just the same old complex partial, however this time I was mean to my little girl. Well, I didn’t hurt her and I didn’t yell at her, but apparently I pushed her out of the way when I woke from my post-seizure doze. I feel so horrible, and this is just the icing on the cake now when it comes to asking my doctor to take me off these drugs, as they are of absolutely no benefit whatsoever.

I’ve decided that I have ‘drug resistant epilepsy‘ after reading this article –  CAN YOU PREDICT WHO ARE LIKELY TO HAVE DRUG RESISTANT EPILEPSY?. And I can learn to accept that, and not keep hoping that one day a new drug will come out that will work for me. Such is life, it’s who I am and there are a lot of worse things that I could be suffering from.

I’m going back down to my morning hang-out shortly, my local pub. Sounds terrible I know as it is not even 10am. But it’s not to drink alcohol, I promise! It’s to have my morning coffee with my good buddy the publican Brandon. This morning is his shout, and he’ll be back from the shops/cafe shortly. Thrilling news I know, but he is a wonderful person and is a real help on my seizure days. As I have said previously, I am not very comfortable being alone on days when there is a good chance I will have a seizure (although recently there hasn’t been more than one a week). And Brandon is a great person to be around, he is funny and also very helpful with advice on various issues. So as dodgy as it sounds, on the way home from dropping Lilly off at child care, I call in at the pub for at least an hour or so. WITH TAKE AWAY COFFEES!!!!

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Mexican seizure – incautación

Only one seizure this round (touch wood as usual). Yesterday I met up with various friends and spent the time in between walking back and forth up and down King Street to meet them. Good exercise though, particularly helpful for all the Canberra food I ate (even though most of the meetings were again to eat 🙂 But finally I was walking up King St to go meet Lilly at child care. And I was alone. But the reason I know I had a seizure was that the first post-seizure memory I had was that I was sitting at one of the benches outside Guzman y Gomez, the yummy Mexican take-away that’s been there for a few years. And it was 4:30 – when I was supposed to pick Ms Lillian up. So I realised what had happened. I got up and left, rather embarrassed and hoping I hadn’t ordered something and was running away.

But it got me thinking, I wonder if I had had some sort of aura, which made me sit down and have the seizure. I have read that you often don’t remember these, so maybe I did have one – I knew I was going to have a seizure so I decided to sit down in case I did something dangerous like run across the road. Trouble is, I’ll never know. But it’s a nice thought.:)

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Winter Winter Winter

Yes there’s been a big gap between posts. We went down South to see Stephen’s family in Canberra. It was cold!!!!! I should not complain about the temperature, I will always remember what an ex-colleague (you know who you are) told me the winter temperatures were where she comes from (-25) so why on earth am I complaining about +6?????

So what did we do there? Mostly we ate. Ate. Oh, and we ate as well. The most fantastic food you could imagine. I just love the food at both Stephen’s parent’s and Stephen’s sister’s houses. I wish I enjoyed cooking, and I can’t even use epilepsy as an excuse for not cooking. It’s just pure laziness. I’ve never liked cooking. I don’t mind following a recipe now and then, but I have to follow it word for word and I just find it tiring. I wish I wasn’t like that. Oh well. Lucky that cooking skills runs in Stephen’s family and my husband himself is a fantastic cook.

Tomorrow I am due to have a seizure or two or three if this routine keeps up. I think I am going to stop taking these drugs. I’m seeing my neuro in 3 weeks and I’ll tell him if anything they’ve worsened my seizures. Plus Stephen has said that I have become very “vague“. I hadn’t noticed that but I guess it’s something that only gets noticed by others. He said he is worried about me a lot because my replies to conversations have been slow and sometimes I’m just not there, almost like I’ve been in a seizure.

I realised when he said that, that he’s never known me as someone without epilepsy. He’s only seen me as someone on different drugs, and how they have affected me. Some have side effects that affect Stephen just as much as they affect me (and now Lilly too). It must be pretty hard – reverse the roles and I think I would have trouble being married to someone with epilepsy. So once again, thanks Stephen, for putting up with the various Donna versions you have to live with. Wonder what he’d think of me if I took none? I asked him that, and he said, he probably wouldn’t like me 🙂

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Guess these drugs don’t work…

It was three seizures only a week ago, with the last one on Thursday morning. I got to a week but then today I’ve had one definite and one probably seizure.

The probably came first. Stephen took the day off and after eating lots of great yum cha in the city, we went home both very very tired (you know how exhausting it is, eating and shopping) and went straight to bed. Stephen tells me I sat up mid sleep and “started rambling, eyes wide open”. But can’t be sure that is a seizure really. People do that often when dreaming, mid-sleep. Don’t they? Shrug. Just can’t be 100% sure.

But then I had a real one in the car when we picked up Lilly from child care. Stephen said I just turned off, apart from muttering a bit and giving drunk-style directions home. Then I looked at him and got freaked out – he said possibly because I am so used to sitting in taxis with strangers. And then I asked where my daughter was (maybe because if I am in a taxi I am in the back seat next to her??). Poor Stephen, he isn’t treated very nicely during my seizures. But he says he is just relieved that I always ask Lilly’s whereabouts.

So if I’m going to do three in a row I’d like to get number three done in the next 12 hours because tomorrow mid morning we’re going to Canberra and then the South Coast until next Wednesday. I don’t want to have holiday seizures. So bring on the next one while I’m sitting here on the couch 🙂

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My epi-buddy

Hi there, today I spent a good part of the day with someone who has greatly influenced my light-hearted nature in regards to the epilepsy. I met her at the Prince of Wales hospital in 2007 when we were both being tested to see if we could get the nasty bits of our brains that cause our epilepsy removed. We both failed. But became friends.

She’s recently had a baby, so obviously isn’t at work at the moment, so yet another person I can catch up with. I went to her flat in Kogarah and she and her mum were both there taking care of her cute little two month old. Her mum is helping her out so much and I think this is wonderful. Because Rania (she said today “use my name use my name!“) has many more seizures than I do. She might have long breaks between them (say, a couple of months) but then she’ll be smacked in the face with five in one day. And she has ones similar to me- no aura (warning) and then complex partial. And then she’ll continue to have a couple a day for several more days.

But the wonderful thing about Rania is that she is so light-hearted about them. When we first met she was having a very different type- more of an absence seizure where should be conscious the whole time and they would only last 30 seconds maximum. I saw here have one once – she just said “shit I’m going to have a seizure“, stood there for a few seconds then she was fine. But she had them every single day, several times a day. And they would just make her feel weird. But she would just laugh them off. She worked in customer service and knew that often she would stand there in front of a customer and say “shit shit shit shit shit“. And not be able to anything about it. And to be able to laugh at yourself about that is amazing, and brilliant. So I tried so hard, and hopefully succeeded, in becoming more like her, and just thinking, if she can laugh at that, I can laugh at anything.

She now has moved into the type of seizure that I have, for reasons no-one can explain. She still sometimes has the absence types, which she calls “half-seizures” now. For example when I met her today she said she’d had two and a half this morning.

We’ve had lots of funny talks about various seizures, like ones where we’ve both caught public transport way too far, we’ve danced naked after showers (please note, not together, that would be way too much of a coincidence) and other silly behaviours that just happen when you have complex partial seizures.

I’m not religious but if I was I’d say God bless her mum Josie who is there for her whenever she needs her. She is an amazing woman who is doing so much for her daughter and grandson (Rania’s husband works in a job that requires him up at 3:30am but the good side of that is he gets home at 2pm).

ANYway, it was a lovely afternoon (and great food too!!) and reminded me of how easy it really easy to not take yourself seriously.

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Will it be a week or a fortnight?

So tomorrow will be a week since day one of my cluster of seizures last week. So if I make it to tomorrow, is that a week, or do I wait until when the group was over, i.e Thursday, so therefore Friday will be when I’ve passed a week? 

All a bit confusing. Just enjoy each day that I’m not having a seizure. And hopefully it will be two weeks, not one week. Rain rain rain again. At least that means I won’t have to train outside in the morning, I can do it in the comfort of my lounge room. 

Fascinating post I know, apologies! Not much more I can write – had a very quiet day today, booked all the accommodation for our little trip down South next week. Looking forward to that! And Canberra even though it’ll be freezing!! And did housework, so I felt like a real housewife today. Also made me realise I couldn’t do this for a living. Not that it was ever on my list, but scratch out ‘housewife’ from my future careers. 

Time for bed. Sleep tight everyone!

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Uncomfortable conversations

Hey ho, it’s the weekend. My seizures stopped at three, so I’m hoping that the next ones (I mean I’ve got to be realistic, can’t keeping hoping that was the last one) won’t be for another fortnight.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday that relates to a previous post (I think it was ‘My new look’ when I was moaning about being called ‘epileptic’). It was with two acquaintances when I called in to a local cafe to get a take away coffee. To cut a long story short, we were discussing, well, actually they were telling me about a performance at a local pub (no names given!). The older of the two women kept saying how this one act kept jumping around the stage like spastics, which I think, just overall and no relation to epilepsy, is an offensive thing to say. Then they likened to it to how one of them “was going so spastic he looked like he was going to have a fit“.

Now that’s when I get personally offended. I just sat that there really, at a loss at what to say. I couldn’t think of anything, I think I was just kind of dumbstruck. Then I decided that before I left the table I’d make sure I’d weave into the conversation that I had epilepsy. And I did, but you know what I think it was pointless. They hardly responded. I mean, no I wasn’t expecting them to break into tears or jump up and hug me with sorrow, but my intention was so that they may not make comments similar to ones they had several minutes previously. But I think I failed. But I decided to just get over it. People are always going to talk like that, and there is nothing I can do about it.

C’est la vie!!

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Teaching the family…

It’s OK, it’s an improvement to have one every two weeks, but is it better or worse to have one three days in a row every two weeks, or one a week? That’s what I can’t figure out. Right now I’m a bit bummed, cranky, sad to have had one Tuesday, yesterday and then one this morning. Yesterday’s and today’s are confirmed because they were seen by others.

Last night’s was just your typical Donna seizure. (This description of course comes from Stephen not me, I have no recollection). Just stopped a conversation and Stephen told Lilly I was having a seizure – I closed and opened my eyes then just stared then I started rocking,  – then stopped and Lilly came up to me and then I started making this (Stephen’s quote) “little chittering noise interspersed with garbled words sorta like a crazy wiggle” – Lilly got a bit confused but Stephen told her that I was okay and that I can’t talk to her when I am having seizures – so she stood back a little and smiled and asked if I was alright. Then apparently I suddenly stood up and started collecting toys off the floor saying with a manic grin – “are these mine? all of these?” and then I stopped and stared at poor  Stephen and said “who are you and what are you doing here”, “this is my house” – he asked what year did I think this is, I couldn’t answer then he asked who lives here and I said, me, my mum and dad and this baby (pointing at Lilly).

Stephen is trying really hard to have Lilly begin to understand seizures and epilepsy in general which I think is great. apparently after this conversation he then told Lilly to lead me to the couch and let me lie down and he went to change in to her pj’s – after they had finished that Lilly came out to watch her before bed tv show and she gave me a good long cuddle and spend the whole show looking to make sure I was alright – asking –“are you sad – are you okay? are you talking now mummy?” .

What a wonderful husband and daughter I have.

This morning my long-time personal trainer had to deal with one (which he’s very very used to). I was evidently doing some form of a plank repetition:

…and I got to number 19 and wouldn’t move. Just stayed there. So my PT raced in to get Stephen, who came outside, knelt down and said are you ok, and apparently I basically I sat up and looked at him and said  “you scared the shit out of me, how dare you do that, that’s not nice, who are you and where are we?”  My PT sorta giggled and I evidently gave the poor guy a filthy look 😦  anyway Stephen explained where we were and I continued looking scared and abusing him as he took me inside to sit down on the couch in front of the heater. I evidently fell asleep pretty quickly and then when Stephen told me my trainer was going I sat bolt upright, said goodbye then flopped back on to the couch and fell asleep again immediately.

So there you go, two examples of pretty typical seizures. They’re pretty funny – you’ve got to think of them like that, otherwise I would just be totally depressed. They could be so much worse. Just think of them like that.

And what I truly love about the one last night is that Stephen is teaching Lilly and she seems to care. And one day (in quite a while, but still, it will happen) she will be able to take care of me when I have one when it’s just the two of us. Love you, Stephen and Lilly xxx

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